This year has been triumphantly painful. Much like winning a race with blistered heels. The pain:triumph ratio is a bit skewed. This piece shines a light on the uncomfortable space between where you are and where you’re heading.
Weird. Not young but not old.
Haven’t arrived but not just beginning.
‘Small’ for where you are but ‘big’ for where you were.
You know a little but there is still so much to learn.
Wanting to be part of “it” but also yearning to build your own.
Teaching yet still learning deeply.
Having no idea how the next stage will unfold yet knowing it will expand like all things do…from an unfolding zygote, to infancy, branching limbs and taking form.
Maybe manifesting into the world looking nothing like the life you thought it would but beautiful non the less.
Uncertain but sure footed.
Subdued yet blindingly vibrant.
Knowing nothing but also understanding that all knowing comes from within.
Wanting to scream at the top of your lungs yet there’s a forceful desire to share audibly low tones forcing the listener to intentionally pay close attention.
Pockets of comfort but areas of cliff hanging uncomfortability.
It’s a knowing, but not.
A coming home, yet far away.
It’s alive, yet in some parts not. not like weakened but fully devoid of life.
Like feeling a phantom limb, there’s nothing there.
It’s loving, yet dark and alone.
It’s knowing precisely what to do and stuttering about how to get there.
It’s a knowing, but not.
A coming home, yet far away.
It’s lush and tumble weed.
Soothing yet sharp with abrupt corners.
Something like jagged hygge, if there’s such a thing.
Knowing all the words yet feeling speechless.
A space filled with extreme contradictions.
Transitory and acute.
It’s interesting how you can know yourself, yet feel like you know very little about the person being reflected in the mirror.
As if this new stage of life has called to the forefront someone you are unfamiliar with, someone who almost scares you, someone who intrigues you, it’s a version of yourself that you expected to come along but not like this (whatever that means).
Have you ever expected something or someone to exist a certain way – and it shows up but not at all like you thought?…yea, that feeling. But this time, it’s you.
You’re showing up different, you feel different, you act different, you connect different.
Maybe it’s growth, maybe it’s shedding skin, maybe it’s the old version of you disappearing to make room for the next iteration.
Maybe it’s an exploration of the dark spaces you’ve finally mustered the courage to step boldly into instead of peeking from afar.
Maybe it’s coming face to face with the person you’ve presented to the world for so long and asking the question – is this how I want to continue showing up? Is this, the “me”, I want to be moving forward?
Uncomfortable doesn’t do this feeling justice.
I’d venture to say, it feels like running from death, and I guess in some ways… it is.
For us to become anew, there is certain death that must coincide.
At its core it’s pain-full. It’s pain.
And while there is a temptation to beautify it, there’s no need to. It can, and should, just be. It’s pain.
There’s no use trying to avoid it, it can’t be ignored. It’s much too loud. Too persistent. Too necessary.
I’m as curious about this next phase as I am afraid. I’ll see you on the other side- of whatever this is – and hopeful that we recognize each other when we connect again.
Until next time, walk gud.
K.H