You may have already surmised, the body of work in this space is a direct reflection of my journey thus far. It’s a raw account of the transformation of ideas, concepts, approaches, life lessons and everything in between that demands space; space to breath, space to ruminate, space to transform, space to become, space to just be. One of these musings involve giving yourself permission. It came about partly in response to what I believe is one of the most dangerous concepts in life. It’s an idea best expressed by Carter G. Woodson.
“When you control a man’s thinking you do not have to worry about his actions. He will find his proper place and stay in it. You do not need to send him to the back door. He will go without being told. In fact, if there is no back door, he will cut one for his special benefit.”
The Mis-Education of the Negro
Much of the work we must do to live a life defined as free – involves critical thinking, unlearning and forming new ideals for ourselves. This is no easy task and requires disciplined work. Below is what I consider a small portion of this type of work – it centers around changing the small ways we think about permission and connecting with the courage to take action towards a more fulfilling life.
In this vein, I urge you to give yourself permission…
To let go of past lives – There was a version of me who would ghost men who I thought were wasting my time. In full transparency, that version was like last year LOL! I’m a work in progress ya’ll. There are versions of me who once believed I had to be chosen by a man to have a wonderful life. Truthfully, there is absolute choosing that must happen – but it’s on both sides of the fence. People choose each other, despite what society often says (i.e. women must be chosen by a man). And the deeper truth is, a romantic relationship isn’t a pre-requisite for living a wonderful life. In 2019, over ½ the U.S population ages 18-34 were single; total population is an estimated 331 million people. I’m no mathematician, but my back of the envelope math tells me there are shit ton of single people. The thought that ½ of them are just waiting to be chosen, waiting for life to “get” wonderful is absurd – more accurately insane.
There are younger versions of me who approached work with an “I don’t get paid to do that” attitude. Though I must say this mindset swiftly transitioned early in my career because as a social worker there are MAAAAANY things you don’t get paid to do but it would be inhumane if you didn’t. Still yet, old versions me of who aspired to a vision of professional success that included being called Dr. Henry. I’d be amused at the thought of people who’ve never met me pondering about my gender- if only for a brief moment. While I have a deep respect for academia, this version of me transitioned when I started living in a space that wasn’t defined by a title. A space where the value of my work, it’s potential impact, it’s potential reach, what I can give (both now and in aspiration) is not predicated on an academic status.
There are old versions of me who thought friendship meant watching your friend go through destructive cycles and not sharply bring to light their need for professional help. Afraid to hurt their feelings and eager to feel like a supportive friend. I could go on and on. It’s fair to say someone who knew me in my 20s, has no clue who I am right now. Hell, someone who met me pre-pandemic (at the writing of this- 1 year ago) has no idea who I am today. I love this about myself. Yes, there are certain core values that remain true but how I think about, and exist, in the world is always changing. I am always going through cycles of growth in every way possible and not entirely linear. Give yourself permission to gracefully bid adieu to old versions of yourself that no longer serve you. And in so doing, allowing yourself to grow deeper into who you are intended to be. After all, that is the cycle of life.
To travel – Yes, we’re still in the midst of a pandemic, but we shan’t be forever. It is a fact, this too – albeit long and dragging – shall pass. I’ve thoroughly enjoyed watching African Americans increase their exploration of the world in recent years, especially Tulum Mexico in 2020. If there was ever a place that caught a complete glow up during the pandemic – it was Tulum. And I’m here for all of it, the place is majestic, homey and hot with beautiful beaches. What’s not to love?! It’s been a joy to watch.
In my early 20s one of my co-workers said to me “Why would I want to go to Africa? There’s nothing to see there.” Even in my naïve early 20s this sounded ridiculous, and absolutely still does. Though now I look back and think how unfortunate for him that he will miss such wonderful, life changing experiences – if he keeps this limited view. The African continent is incredibly beautiful, not to mention it’s the cradle of life. 
More beautiful than any European country I’ve seen thus far. And not that we’re in a beauty contest because there are magnificent places everywhere on earth and certainly a few European places on my list to see – but the ridiculousness of the statement has stuck with me for almost 2 decades. By no means is he alone in this thought, many people (African Americans included) think this way. I’m here to tell you for a fact – DO NOT LISTEN TO THIS ADVICE!
The other limiting belief I’ve heard friends say is – “That’s a place you go with your boo.” Let me tell you something, ignore this person too! If I waited for a boo to see and do half the glorious things, I’ve been able to experience – I would have missed a lifetime of joy and delight in the process. There will always be people telling you not to do something – “don’t travel there it’s dangerous..aren’t they fighting a war.” Excuuuse me – the US has been at war for the last two decades…yet here we are. But I digress. What I can tell you is this – do what makes sense for you and don’t allow fear to drive the bus. Instead, be driven by curiosity. Don’t allow other people’s limitation on their own life, limitation on their own vision also limit you. Go! See the world! Connect with people! Eat pineapples in Ghana, pad Thai in Thailand, pasta in Italy, jerk chicken in Jamaica, ceviche in Costa Rica and all the yummy goodness traveling the world has to offer. As with anything – use discernment of course, connect with friends and others who travel, plan trips in advance and save your money. If you’re broke, find creative ways to cover your trip – trust me, it can be done. Just don’t allow fear to lead your planning committee.
To make mistakes – Stumbling from trying ALWAYS trumps never trying at all. The reason practice makes “perfect” is in practice, what you’ve done is create recurrent opportunities to learn the nuance of a thing. As the saying goes, the devil is in the details. I surmise this explains the immense struggle most of are feeling during the current pandemic – after all for a significant number of us we are pandemic-virgins. It’s new, most of us haven’t had a change to “practice” so we’re struggling… deeply. There is a strong argument to be made for many in our society who for various reasons (often related to class, status, disability etc.) were in some ways isolated pre-pandemic and for whom the current experience feels like something they’ve been “practicing for” their entire lives. But that’s a discussion for another time. In practice you learn all the details; you learn how you respond to a thing under various circumstances, you learn the patterns and trends of that thing, what it looks like in various lighting, from various angles. In essence you learn just about all there is to know about the thing – through practice. The trouble with trying to avoid mistakes, is as you avoid the “doing” you also end up missing the entire opportunity for learning. Granted there are errors that can mean life or death, but if we’re being honest our most frequently made decisions don’t fall into the category of life or death. A few years ago, my therapist asked me “Why aren’t you anxious about the past?” I responded, well…because it’s already happened. I survived, everything worked out ok. She then said, “Apply that same thinking and confidence as you plan for the future.” MIND. BLOWN. I’ll never forget this discussion. Get clear on the fact that mistakes are going to happen, I would actually encourage you to create opportunities to intentionally make mistakes – it’s call LEARNING to do something new. It’s similar to the concept of “failing fast.” In the scenario, I propose, you intentionally seek out the uncomfortable space. Before you know it, you’ll be teaching a novice how to do the thing you once stumbled through.
To create stories – In the course of living a life, we collect stories. Much like you find in this virtual space. It’s like collecting rocks and seashells every time you visit the beach. All unique in color, tone and lesson it’s intended to give. But if we never go to the beach, we never collect anything.
For 5 years I commuted via train 2 hours each way for work. That was 4 hours (60% of the workday) spent travelling. Initially it was a pain, especially since previously my longest commute was about 15 minutes. For a number of years, a 7 min walk would get me to work. After a couple weeks on the train, I began to notice the same people. We shared an experience for at least an hour, and some would speak, others would nod their head in acknowledgement of the “regular” 7am crew. What I noticed about people on the train, and this is true pretty much anywhere in my experience, is they are eager to connect, eager to talk about their lives, share their thoughts about a thing. In one instance, a random middle-aged White woman got on the train in Princeton- travelling to New York- and sat next to me. Within minutes she was sharing her thoughts on the recent AOC media frenzy…something pertaining to her boyfriend…I don’t exactly recall. I don’t follow the media very closely around certain things, so I listened, nodded and shared an occasional “O, really.” What I recall most is her enthusiasm to share her opinion and reasoning with me – a complete stranger.
Another occasion I met a Black cowboy (his description not mine) for the first time. He shared stories about this club and fellow cowboys and cowgirls, his experiences “down south” and his excitement about heading to catchup with fellow club members- the reason for his train ride. The story was complete with past event pictures to boot. He was a handsome, older gentleman, about 6’ 4” with wide shoulders. His worn leather vest quietly laid across his broad chest; almost as if in anticipation of the excitement to come later that day. We talked, laughed, looked at a few pictures and parted ways.
When I wasn’t travelling via train, I’d sometimes travel via plane to places on “the list” – you know…the list of places you want to see “someday”. On one such trip I met an incredible woman in Accra, Ghana who started a non-profit to support women impacted by HIV/AIDS. In the very beginning of her work, she would hold meetings under a tree. Yes, you read that right – a literal tree. As you may imagine, it was one of those majestically tall trees (like an old Oak) with branches extended widely and intertwined with neighboring trees. So much so, it was hard to tell where one tree ended and the others began. She pointed to that same tree as she shared her story within the walls of her newly constructed office space. In the new space, she continued to offer services to women (micro loans, support groups etc.) and created a small store where women sold handmade goods for profit. The items were mostly batik inspired along with other locally made souvenirs. I met Lucy over a decade ago and still think about her today. Her courage, perseverance, grace, her ability to take powerful action in service to others despite what could have been perceived as an impossible circumstance. Now, you don’t have to travel over 5,000 miles to another continent to bear witness to, participate in or create stories. They happen in your workplace, in your community, on a weekend getaway, they happen ANY and EVERYWHERE. It only requires that you are open to a new experience and take the opportunity when it comes.
One of my favorite authors, Dr. Clarissa Estes, describes stories as medicine. I whole heartedly agree. There is immeasurably value in exploring the world, connecting with and bearing witness to the lives of others. Not only will you experience tremendous stories, but you’ll likely find healing there.
Until next time, walk gud’
K.H